MARRIAGE

How do you know you are ready for marriage? People have mused over the right marrying age for centuries. There is no specific age except one. It is when the heart is large enough to accommodate another life. It is a moment in life when you are able to care for another human being. It is when selfishness dies and selflessness is born. This does not end at the wedding day—it is perpetuated into marriage for as long as the two shall live. The moment this selfless state of affairs starts to diminish, then marriage begins to dwindle!

Marriage is Spelled “Marry-Age”

Readiness for marriage cannot be based on economic and biological factors only. Important as these may be, other factors should also come into play. These include the ability to compromise, to share secrets, and to trust one another even when trusting is the last thing you should do, and the ability to stand on each other’s side no matter what, caring for one another regardless of circumstances, and respecting each other in the face of inconsistencies and human frailties.

Choose Your Partner in Love

From the moment we are born, we’re imbued with the capacity for making choices. Man, unlike other animals, does not make choices by instinct alone. Man is also a reasonable being: he carefully considers his options well before launching out into the deep. This capacity is as vital as life itself. Where else can man use this capacity better than in finding his life partner? Of the millions of beautiful women and handsome men out there, how can man be expected to find a Mr. and a Mrs. Right?

Our innate quality usually leads us in making life choices. We may know immediately upon meeting or speaking to someone that they fit our mental, psychological, and personality profiles. But such experiences are few and far between. One thing is surely true: when we take pains to choose the ones we would like, we end up finding them!


Physical attraction, personality, common factors, and many other indices lead us to choose our partners. But what are all these qualities if we don’t love our partners? It’s like having a car frame without the motor. Love must be the key factor in choosing our love partners. Where there is genuine love, the relationship is bound to succeed.


Sometimes people think that compatibility, physical attraction, beauty, and other external titivations will lead to love. As great as these prettifications are, they don’t lead to love. They might even hamper love. They may induce striking chemistry, but love is not the same as sexual compatibility. You may have great sex with a person and come to realize you never loved him or her. This explains why people fall in love this year and fall out of it next year.


Why is this? It’s because people usually mistake sexual compatibility for love. Love is more than just techniques and being presentable. Love is based on knowledge. It is not a feeling that overwhelms us and leaves us with no choice. It is something we can control. We can choose whom to love and marry. That’s what makes love superior: it is something we have power to control, and yet it overpowers us.

The secret to successful relationships, therefore, is in letting love guide us in choosing our mates. To do less is to open the doors wide to trouble. A relationship without love is like living in bondage. Sadly, most people create their own small prisons by rushing into marrying a person they never loved. The good news is that you can start loving your partner even today. The moment love is established in the relationship, it begins to stand up on its feet again! Love is the best motive for choosing your mate. Love will transform any defects in your partner into symbols of perfection. When you put love first, love will put you first. Marry only the person you love. Remember also that souls may be attracted, but only love knits the hearts!

He Who Hus-bands of Love Has Life

Marriage is an institution in which love must predominate. To think of marriage without love is like thinking of building a house on sand. Marriage is founded on the understanding that two people have agreed to be ruled by love from beginning to end. The husband is called to love his wife no matter what. When husbands do love their wives, they scatter fertilizers of benevolence and longevity upon their marriages.

The husband is the primary love initiator in the marriage. Certainly a woman should love her husband, but the biggest responsibility is with the husband. Women in general and wives in particular were wired to respond to love. Women know when love is intended. It is sad that some women have not used this power to their advantage. A man throws love at his wife and she responds to it. If he does not give love, she will have nothing to respond to and this is the beginning of tension in the relationship. If you don't love your wife, you are not a husband!

Marriage Without Love is Like a Body Without a Head

Let’s pause and consider what a body without a head would look like. Definitely it would lack guidance, apart from the sheer fact that it is dead. Marriage without love is a war zone. It’s more dangerous than the Katyusha multiple rocket launcher BM-21! Love gives direction to marriage. Take any struggling marriage and infuse it with a dose of love, and it will be on its feet again. Marriage with love is a paradise on earth. That’s what marriage should be: a place where two people are so absorbed in each other’s lives that there is no place for a third party. They have become one, in every sense of the word. In order to make love a blissful experience in marriage, I have proposed four rules to live by:

Firstly, partners should be committed to speaking well of each other. Partners should learn to bless one another and to respond with good words to one another. This is especially true when one partner is unruly. Love has the capacity to change a wayward partner into a dependable homemaker. Speaking well of each other should be followed by learning to be sensitive to each other’s needs. Many a time partners have focused only on their own needs, neglecting those of the other partner. This leads to a one-sided relationship which is hazardous to a marriage.


Secondly, partners should learn to build each other up in love. I have been appalled by some husbands who tear their wives up in public. No matter what the excuse, it is not a good thing to ridicule or castigate your partner in full view of other people. Telling off your husband or wife in public is a sign of bad things to come. You should realize that a wife or husband is a direct representative of your dreams, ideas, ideals, and intentions. The way you treat him or her demonstrates how well or how poorly you regard your own value, worth, and sense of choice.


Build her or him up by praise, appraisal, appreciation, and cheering in every area of life. There is no one who can better destroy his or her own marriage than an insensitive partner. Other people from outside can say whatever they want, but that will evaporate and vanish. Yet, what your partner says to you sticks! Therein is found wisdom: your partner is the primary source of motivation in life. Realizing this fact and practicing it will turn any wobbling affair into bliss!


Thirdly, do things together with your partner. There are many things partners can do with each other apart from fulfilling conjugal duties. It is often paradoxical that two people who live and sleep under one roof usually go their different ways. While it is reasonable to expect married couples to collaborate, in many real situations, couples have preferred other acquaintances to their own partners! Couples should learn to share, which demands giving of themselves to one another. This also involves listening to each other and developing a sensitivity and awareness that deepens the love between the couple.


Fourthly, learn to touch each other in a nonsexual way. Physical touch is very essential to human relations. But for a couple to touch each other without expecting to have an affair is a marvelous discovery. A touch is a smooth way of saying, “I love you so much.” A tender touch shows us that we are actually cared for. It has the propensity to calm fears, soothe pains, and bring emotional security.


We’ve thought that touching is only a preliminary for sex; while that’s correct, it has never hurled relationships to any higher levels than sex. Practicing physical touch in a nonsexual way opens doors to greater satisfaction without ever engaging in the act of sex itself. It nourishes marriage and builds lasting relationships! Touching is a way of saying without words, “I love you for who you are and not for what you have!”


For Husbands Only

As a husband you’re not called to love all women, but one. You’re not sanctioned to deeply know all other females, only your wife. It is important that you understand the various aspects of your wife. There are certain things and qualities that are common to all women. These include intuitive power, ability to bear up under pressure, and the capacity to care. But your woman will be different; she’ll have her own personality, values, and background. Within these parameters, seek to understand her.


Most importantly, women are good at receiving love. One thing a woman understands unequivocally is whether you love her or not. Women expect love from their husbands. They expect them to assert their love on a frequent basis. Because men bank on reasonability they sometimes forget to reaffirm their love to their partners. A man thinks because he told her last month that he loved her, she knows he does. That is wrong. Women tend not to depend on yesterday’s affirmation; they want new confirmations all the time.


Moreover, a woman expects you to show that you love her unreservedly. When you remember her birthdays or send her a gift, she’s appeased. She also wants you to praise her—for example when she dresses or arranges her hair differently. Men sometimes wonder why some women don’t look attractive to them any more. They complain that before they married a woman, she always looked great. But what they forget is that she was presenting herself because she was being appraised or because she wanted to be noticed. It is imperative, therefore, that husbands get into the habit of praising and complimenting their wives.


Men, until you love your wife, we have no idea whether you love your body. No one ever hated his or her own body on purpose. To the extent to which you love your body, to that extent you should love your wife. We protect, care for, and treasure our bodies. We keep them in good health and choose what to put on them. So ought a husband to love his own wife, like his own body. A wife is not a sex toy or object. She’s a person with feelings that need to be fulfilled. She has ideas that need to be respected. When women are only seen as sex objects, abuse is likely.


A husband's first assignment is to love his wife. A wife needs to be loved throughout life. There is no conflict; children come as a blessing from God. But before children there was a wife. This is the same woman you will remain with after the children are gone. What a joy that there is one woman you’re responsible for loving the rest of your life! This is very possible; all that it requires is a little bit of creativity.

Some people have argued the intelligence of loving the same woman year in and year out. Love grows with time. The more years you spend with the same woman the more beautiful she becomes and the more attached to her you get. When it comes to loving your wife, hard work is demanded of you. You cannot be lazy in this matter. Each husband is called to love his wife for life! It goes without saying that love for your wife ought to be growing every day.

He That Nourishes and He That Cherishes Her, are Both Right

How right this is to marriage! Marriage is defined marry-age, a responsibility endowed to human beings to live life productively. There is no other way man will show greater responsibility than in a marriage setting. It is true that a man can rule over other souls, command the trust of troops, and drive industrial fulcrums to productive pinnacles. But man will be judged responsible for his prowess in marriage affairs.


Love and marriage are like the two sides of a coin. But marriage love is practical. It is typified by man’s ability to nourish his wife. Nourishing has several facets to it. The commonest of these is fending for her. This is absolutely required in marriage. Man is given the mandate to ensure that his wife is well nourished. A wife is like a garden of exotic flowers. Man has been given the responsibility of tending it. The womanly features in your wife illustrate this fact. There is just too much on a woman to be simply ignored. Every feature on her commends attention.


Love in marriage means nurturing your partner to productive potential. It means maintaining her to acceptable standards. If you cannot nurture your wife, you have no right to be called a husband. She is so important that she demands respect and consideration. Nurturing means encouraging her to be the best she can be. It means promoting her and supporting her—physically, mentally, and emotionally. A man must always be there for his wife, tending, nourishing, and reassuring her.


The call to cherish your wife is as old as the institution of marriage itself. The value of a woman is based on that dexterous romance that only goes to signify the true mark of womanhood. Women are valuable when they are cherished. They glitter when they are treasured. To give a woman less is to have her operate far below her original power.


No man should claim to be in love without being romantically creative. Think of resourceful and imaginative ways of loving your wife. There are more ways than just sending flower bouquets, taking her out to dinner, endowing with gifts, or making pronouncements. Love can be interesting, it can be creative. You may come up with different ways of pleasing your partner, always bearing in mind her uniqueness and sensitivity. This means thinking ahead of time, monitoring events, and reacting to her fully stimulated sensibilities.

Love: The Reason Man Leaves to Cleave

Marriage does not begin at the wedding day. In the mind of man, marriage begins when he decides to leave all other women and stick with the only one he will call his wife. It is true therefore that a man may be in marriage and still not married. This may happen when, despite the fact that he is married, he continues to entertain thoughts of other women. Men should know this that they have the power to begin a marriage—it does not matter at what stage of your marriage life. The moment you divorce all other women from your heart and remain with the one you love, you are really starting your marriage. Leaving also means ceasing from idolizing former lovers, however remarkable they may have been.

Now that you have found your true love, consider all former lovers dead. Love one woman; like the others. Some men think that there are “hotter” women than their own wives. Any woman is capable of being truly ”hot” with a little input from her husband. Despising your wife will only aggravate the relationship. Cherishing and nurturing her will transform her into a graceful doe and a cistern of moving waters! It will activate romantic and erotic factors unknown even to her!


Leaving denotes leaving dependence on your father and mother. It makes you the head of your household. You can no longer be under the authority of your parents. This is functional headship only. It does not mean that the woman is less. Because you cannot cherish what is less valuable than you. The bonds of love between parents and their children are lasting ones. The function of these bonds ought to be changed so that the man’s highest commitment is now to his wife. Reciprocally, the woman’s highest commitment is also to her own husband. Perfect lovers are those so bonded that even death cannot separate them.


Leaving also puts aside all other things of less importance to you. Whatever is important to you in this life should be less important than your marriage. Women will tell you that they crave their husbands’ attention even more than monetary gains. When a man puts his business or career ahead the marriage suffers. It is of absolute importance that a man leaves all other ties, to concentrate on his marriage.


You cannot expect to love your life’s pursuits and hobbies ahead of your marriage. These, however, will align themselves well when the marriage is well. Whether you are a career person or a church devotee, your number-one goal should be maintaining your marriage! Unless you are willing to leave all else, you will never develop a thrilling oneness that will bloom into a paradise of emotional and physical contentment.


When marriage partners leave all others, they should begin to cleave. Defined as the inseparable joining of husband and wife to each other throughout their lifetime, cleaving connotes adhering and sticking to each other, just like a stamp does to the envelope!


This necessitates being attached to each other with strong ties. The job of forming strong ties between couples cannot be left to chance. As soon as the two leave they should begin to cultivate their relationship in such a way that very strong ties are created between the two of them. These ties must be forged together so strongly that all the challenges of life cannot break them. For cleaving to be effective, unsoiled loyalty should be enhanced through mutual respect and goodwill. This unswerving loyalty should be strengthened by an active, pursuing love that will not let go at all. Every action the couple decides to engage in should be weighed against the scale of longevity and proximity. Anything that ensures closeness should be encouraged, and anything that jeopardizes that closeness must be isolated and dealt with promptly.

To think that because you’re now married everything will fall into place is presumptuous. Cleaving can be planned, such as when the couple chooses those activities that will bring them together and strengthen their love and loyalty.

All Authority has been Granted to Love to Make Two into One

In marriage the sum of one plus one is not equal to two but to one! Marriage entails oneness in the strictest possible sense. This is what triggers intimate physical union without shame or withholding. This is when sexual union becomes necessary.


Sex in marriage is based on knowledge, knowledge that in the act itself the two are transformed into one—in mind, will, purpose, and desires. Sex’s part in marriage is the culmination of all that the two stand for. It breaks through detached personalities and binds the souls of the two into one. When you make love to your wife or husband you are affirming that oneness that makes you two truly one.


Importantly, it must be known that love precedes sex. Love and sex are not the same thing. When having sex we may say we’re making love, but that does not equate love to sex. Love goes beyond just physical union and involves unconditional love for the whole person—body, soul and spirit. Sex is related to love in that it brings the body and soul of the two people into complete rhythm so that there is an intense fusion of two personalities into one. Sex is a spiritual activity. Sex is breathing one’s spirit into another. The person you decide to make love to must be carefully chosen, because he or she will bear your spirit. That’s why it is important to have sexual intercourse with the person you love and are united together in marriage with.

How to Love Yourself

The saying goes that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we can also say that love is in the heart of the beloved. Loving your wife is the greatest measure of how much you love yourself. Whatever you do to her is in response to what is true to you. The pattern is clear—those who abuse their own bodies also tend to abuse their wives.
Let’s face it: How did you come to the conclusion that so-and-so would be your wife? Certainly there are those whose marriages were arranged or who were forced by circumstances to marry each other. But whatever the case, the husband ought to love his wife as his own flesh. Not all people marry in the same way. But by whatever way you find yourself with her, love her as you love yourself. Cherish her and nurture her. Find in her your own interests, identity, and ideals.

Women are great finishers: they take a raw sperm and turn it into a baby. They enter into a lifeless house and turn it into a live home! They marry timid men and turn them into leaders. If you want to succeed in any endeavour, allow your wife to manage your interests. I have learned that goals and dreams can die and amount to nothing. But when a woman is involved, they blossom and become hope-builders! Women encourage progress. They have a special affinity for action. By their nature, they are inside, and from there their power is felt.

Women have this quality to their advantage: They are persistent. They stick with a matter until it is achieved. When you involve them in an enterprise they propel it to azure heights. They rarely give up. The only fuel they operate with is love. Stimulate your wife with love. Support her with love, and she shall never disappoint you. Love her and she shall never let you down. Love your wife all the days of your life. Love her, and she shall promote you.


Many broken marriages are due to negligence of the love factor. How else can a marriage disintegrate, unless love is taken out of the picture? Are you familiar with the saying: "Love her, and she shall keep you? Experts believe that among many things that contribute to the disintegration of marriage are finances, sex, and infidelity. My conclusion is that all of these are symptoms. The real cause is lack of love.
Where there is no love, neither financial boom nor sexual mastery can save th

e relationship. In many cases, infidelity is due to love unfulfilled. Faithfulness is the best love portion. Be satisfied with your lover's love, always. Make your bed a sanctuary where love is celebrated; and not a circus where immorality is exacerbated.


For Wives Only

A wife is a helper to the husband and not a knife to cut his dreams off. However, as far as love is concerned, the duty of the wife in marriage is to appropriate the love she receives from her husband and respond amiably. Notice here: it’s the love she receives from her husband. The husband has the primary responsibility to give his wife love. No husband has the right to complain against the wife he does not cherish. And no wife has the right to behave otherwise if her husband gives her the love she deserves.


Although it is the husband’s responsibility to love his wife, the wife has also a role to play. A wife's love for her husband is defined as respect. A wife must esteem her husband, showing this through a reverent submission that allows the man to discharge his loving duties well. This is not a defeatist submission, but rather a deliberate attempt at allowing the man to lead so that there is direction in the marriage. What you love you submit to.

The man is not the head of the house by coercion, but by function. When wives allow their husbands to be heads and the husbands play their loving roles well, there can never be anything but bliss in the relationship. To love her husband and children is a wife's greatest legacy. Let your husband be the true love of your life.

Love is the Constitution of Marriage

There is only one law in marriage. It is the law of love. Once this law is broken, all kinds of problems set in. The law of love must be obeyed by both lovers. The commitment which lovers make to each other, to love and cherish each other till death do them part, could all be meaningless unless this commandment is obeyed for life. Love honours the vows. Vows protect love. The fact that love is the highest law in marriage makes it easy for marriage to survive. There is not much that should be done by both partners to make the marriage work—only to love each other dearly.

Love in marriage is a light burden. It is a burden because it is a responsibility both couples should embrace. It is, however, a light and enjoyable burden because carrying it brings enormous pleasure and satisfaction. Never compromise the law of love. Always love your partner. Circumstances may emerge to drown your love, but make sure you rise above the situation. Ask yourself this question always: how far have I slid back from when I was first in love? Always keep your first love ablaze! Lovers in the depth of their love are as a lovely song sung by one with a lovely voice. True love is spending yourself for your partner. The cup of marriage love must always be kept full.

Love Begins at Home

The family is the best place to groom love. There are a number of reasons why this is so. Firstly, the family is an epitome of value and serves as a community in miniature. Rather than entering the large society and blundering, you learn the values that are vital in interpersonal relationships at home. You’re provided with the resources to both initiate love and advance in it. You learn the fundaments of respect and the rudiments of amity. You’re in the company of the people who know you better and who can prepare you for what is ahead of you.


Secondly, a family is a centre for free experimentation. The family setting provides you with a carefree atmosphere in which to try out what you’ve learned from your family members. Its innocuous nature will help facilitate a smooth transition towards becoming a personable person. These qualities are necessary in beginning to love others. Because you know what it means to be loved as a person, you will in turn love those who you come in contact with. Lack of family backing produces individuals who are self-centred and insecure.


Thirdly, the family practices shameless love. I remember reading the Book of Genesis and coming to where it says Adam and Eve were both naked and were not ashamed of it. Where else can you be naked and not ashamed, except in the family? Symbolically, this means being in a state of honesty and transparency.

In the family setting, you’re what you are. You need not pretend, and this in itself liberates you to truly exert yourself fully. Family is the basic framework of society. The power of a family lies in the fact that members are protected and nurtured in a non-confrontational, non-discriminatory, and non-judgmental way. Here love blossoms and becomes the cementing factor!

Love in Marriage: General Truths

In dealing with matters of the heart, here is my advice. Firstly, how do you measure a man's sense of trust? By first knowing where his or her heart is. Where your heart is, there your special love will be also. Love and soul were meant to be together. You cannot love something without being possessed by it. What you love possesses you. Similarly, you can't love two things at the same time.


In a relationship love is for two people; the third person is an intruder. You cannot love two people at the same time with the same strength. Wisdom says you cannot serve two masters at the same time. You will love the one and hate the other. Your heart is the fairest umpire; it judges a man's intentions. Where your love is, there your heart will be also. That's why men leave and join their own wives.


If we had always been where our deepest love was, we would have avoided a lot of uncomfortable circumstances in life. If you ever become confused by two options, my counsel would be: choose the one closest to your heart. If you are in a dilemma between two persons, choose the one your heart accepts, because it’s impossible to deceive your own heart!


Secondly, beloveds ought to be loved at all costs. In marriage, love is the aura that circles the marriage throne. No other priority should be allowed to come before this. Love should be cultivated and nurtured daily. Make your partner the centre of attraction.


Thirdly, love should not be a one-sided affair. Develop it mutually. Learn to do things together. Find things that you both like and do them together. Look for opportunities to do or share something together. When one partner makes a move, it ought to be complemented by appropriate feedback from the other. Be compatible—strengthen the inner qualities of reverence, value, and equity. Be happy to be involved with each other.


Fourthly, long to be where the object of your love is. Beloveds should always be together, except when they have to be separated temporarily by the routines of work or other events. Beloveds should desire each other’s company and be fulfilled in it. They should learn to value each other’s presence, to sup together, and to cry together. They say that precious are the tears of a lover! Stand together and help each other. Do not uncover the nakedness of the one you love; neither wash their linen in public. But defend each other and be guardians of one another’s interests.


Lastly, fulfill each other in conjugal commitments. Let not your lover long for the outside comfort when she can find it within. In marital love, the satisfaction of your partner should precede your own. It is important therefore that lovers learn to know each other and discover ways in which to please each other. Sexually, understand what makes your partner happy, and patiently desire to consummate her every instinct. What you love appreciates, and what you don’t appreciate depreciates! I am saying, “Do not hire a lover; acquire one.”